[First Reaction] Two Piece and a Biscuit
Thoughts on S1 E2 of Random Acts of Flyness...
i’m writing this the evening after the first watch - 10:50pm, to be exact - so this won’t be the most cohesive and may be full of typos. forgive me for the comma splices and overuse of italics. it’s been on my mind since last night (early this morning?) and i wanted to get down my immediate thoughts. not so much a review or an essay but a reaction.
timestamp - 18:31 (about halfway through)
“To love ourselves in worlds that fundamentally hate us… I’m much more interested in ending patriarchy than I am in loving myself.”
whewwwww.
i immediately thought of that scene in S2 E2 of Euphoria where a depressed Kat wonders why she doesn’t love Ethan. Kat realises that Ethan isn’t the problem, she is. Rue let’s us know that “Kat hates herself” and that “the problem with hating yourself is that you can’t really talk about it because at some point recently the whole world joined a self-help cult and won’t shut the fuck about it”. a gorgeous, confident, bikini-clad woman appears out nowhere and compliments Kat, who immediately shuts it down. Kat tells her how she feels, and the woman, not listening, contradicts her. she tells her, “you just have to love yourself", to which Kat replies, “that’s what I’m trying to tell you, I fucking hate myself.” more and more women appear and start screaming “love yourself” and Kat screams in terror as a response. while there isn’t much i enjoy on that godforsaken show, this moment was something i truly resonated with.
telling someone to love themselves, after sustaining hate from others for so long, and then in-turn hating themselves for so long, is not as simple as that. it won’t change overnight. it may never change. the fact that Alok Vaid-Menon states that they are “much more interested in ending the patriarchy” than loving themselves is poignant because is dismantling the patriarchy even an achievable task in this moment in time? it’s crazy that tackling such a mammoth, time consuming, (and, perhaps, impossible) project is more immediate or ‘easier’ than trying to love oneself.
in this era of self-love and body positivity, i definitely lean more towards the practice of body neutrality. that works more for me. i saw a beautiful post on twitter from user [at]gwenisonline that said, in part “Having the courage to move throughout the world knowing how i’m perceived and acknowledging the way ppl treat me and deciding that I refuse to allow that to destroy me is why I’m here”. i think that what Vaid-Menon and gwenisonline discuss are in conversation with each other. you can be aware of how this world, our world, operates. but that doesn’t mean you should allow it to break you.
timestamp - 19:08
“So I would say I learned that I wasn’t cute, very early. And every night before I went to bed I would say, ‘God bless Mommy and Daddy, I pray that I have enough money when I grow up for plastic surgery.’
But it wasn’t, like - and when I think about it, that’s very sad - but it wasn’t like ‘Oh my God, I hate myself’, it was just like, ‘oh, this is something I need to fix. And it’s possible, and--”
this (like many moments in the show) was almost like a punch in the gut. i found it funny, because of the way she was saying it so matter-of-fact. but also embarrassing and sad, because this is how i talk about myself to myself or to my friends. only if we’re having a deep conversation, of course. such talk is too depressing in any other, happier, context.
i saw another post on twitter (and no, i’m not saying that this is fact, or gospel, or that you have to believe it) which described statements like these as a type of “cognitive distortion”. it was number 11 - emotional reasoning, which claimed that “the distortion of emotional reasoning can be summed up by the statement ‘If I feel that way, it must be true.’ Whatever a person is feeling is believed to be true automatically and unconditionally. Emotions are extremely strong in people, and can overrule our rational thoughts and reasoning. Emotional reasoning is when a person’s emotions takes over our thinking entirely, blotting out all rationality and logic.”
i think this quote could qualify as ‘emotional reasoning’, that move from self-hatred/self-pity to fact. in my opinion, the woman speaking looked beautiful. i didn’t think she needed surgery at all. but, of course, looks are subjective. i guess i’m being hypocritical because although my friends or my family will say i’m pretty, i completely disagree. in fact, i think the complete opposite. it’s definitely something i tell myself, that my lack of conventional attractiveness is not my opinion but a universal truth, that it is something that can be fixed or altered if i want to. i’m not particularly sad about it, more indifferent.
timestamp - 19:40
“Yes. Right now I’m trying to lose 7 pounds. And the is so that I can do a little bit of Volume here [pats cheeks] and Restylane here [gestures to under eye]. I also had a nose job.”
ah, weight loss, my current old friend.
additionally, with all the buccal cheek fat discourse that’s been happening on social media recently i don’t even want to add anything to it. although, i will say i have thought about having something done. not removing my buccal cheek fat though, i’m not a loser.
timestamp - 20:42
“I used to be very insecure, but now, like, even on my worst days - but also, i live in Harlem, so dudes are gonna try to holler at you even if you look like ass, so, you know - I get external validation. You know, I don’t know, I have, like, a body type that men like. You know, I’m really into weaves and whatnot.”
boooo male validation!!!! thumbs down!!!! tomato tomato i’m throwing tomatoes!!!!!! but i’ll admit that i search for that, sometimes. sue me. but also, i live in York, a city in the North of the U.K. so men aren’t even going to glance in my direction. perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.
moving onto BLACK HAIR DISCOURSE >:((((((((
first of all, i want us to free ourselves from this line of discussion. wear your hair how you want. it did make me think of a now deleted tweet (i promise i don’t spend all my time on twitter) where the user said “I do not like my natural hair. The styles that were practical for me did not make me feel beautiful. I tried to embrace and accept it. I failed. I live with the truth that my perception of my hair is rooted in and clouded by anti-blackness.”
i do think that my dislike for natural hair stems from attitudes surrounding it, both at home and from others online and in-person. i’ve had braids, relaxed my hair, texturised it, had a sew-in, straightened it, did a big chop, went natural, and went back to braids + texturising. for me, braids are easier, less effort, and make me feel better than when i don't have them in. but i don’t think that liking a certain style always means you don’t like your natural hair.
timestamp - 21:38
“I think I’ve gotten over it. I studied psychology and it saved me. And that’s why I’m such an advocate for therapy and mental health and mental strength because it really taught me a lot about, like, assimilation, and racial identity, and, you know, self-image and all that stuff. And I feel pretty good. Now that I’m talking about it, maybe I don’t. Maybe there’s some unresolved stuff. “
this was hilarious for many reasons. i think nowadays, whatever problem you might have or situation you’re going through, everyone responds with: GO TO THERAPY! TRY THERAPY! YOU’RE WHOLE LIFE WILL BE SORTED IF YOU DO!
i’ve tried therapy, my friends who still go suggest it, i just don’t think that therapy is always the solution. first of all (at least in the UK), if you’re not referred by your GP and get a few free sessions, you have to pay. not everyone has the money for that. second of all, the amount of stories i’ve read about bad therapists signals that not all therapists are good therapists. third of all, i think that, depending on the problem, therapy is pointless if you don’t do the work after. and ‘the work’ may be a journey that has no destination. you might not progress all of the time, you might even fall back into old habits (see quote above).
the idea that therapy won’t solve all your problems is something i had to grapple with after events in my life led me to discontinue my sessions. i had learned things about myself and was given ways to start coping with things that had happened in my life. after it ended, i was thrown into yet another situation that i haven’t even begun to process. have i used those coping mechanisms to help? no. why? because, just like the first quote suggests, taking the time to do that self-work is daunting. i don’t want to face it, not yet. when i think i’ve handled it or moved on from it, and then talk to my friends about it, i realise that i haven’t moved on at all. and then something else happens, and so the cycle continues.
i think that therapy can work, even though it hasn’t worked for me (or because i haven’t worked on it). but i also think it doesn’t have to be the only option. i guess you just have to find what works for you.
that’s it!! if you stayed till the end, thank you for reading. if you’re confused and you want context, go watch Random Acts of Flyness on HBO. if you found this funny and/or disturbing, go watch Random Acts of Flyness on HBO. if you found it relatable, go watch Random Acts of Flyness on HBO. i swear this isn’t paid promo, i’m just obsessed with the show. for now, i’ll be binge watching the rest of the season.
till next time.